Thursday, April 14, 2005

Oldest Piece of Earth [Exclusive]

CNN reported that a very intelligent gentleman from Austrailia found what our scientific community considers to be the oldest piece of the Earth. Now considering that the grade school teachers taught me about the conservation of matter, and E=mc2 and such, then this might be considered the oldest configuration of mass. But if you believe in science how do you call it the oldest piece of the Earth? Once you examine a color photograph of the "rock" and read the caption you learn that it is a speck no larger than the size of two pin heads. Just how did this guy find this thing and what begged the question to date it? I watched Jurassic Park and I know that he must have gotten a piece of amber. But until now I believed the Jurassic Park amber was nothing more than a crusty piece off one of my mama's delicious homemade pecan pies Now I have never wanted to date one of my mama's pecan pies. Heck, I hardly have time to look at it before it is sliding down my throat and washed away with a glass of ice cold milk. Do they have pecan pies in Austrailia? Then maybe they need to date that pecan tree just in case.

The world is certainly becoming a smaller place and my recent experience ciphering my annual payoff to our fine government has yet again proven this fact. I am somewhat proud of my computersque and that I have used a child of Bill Gate's to prepare my report each year since 1988. Why I have even used the same software package. And each year they seem to think it necessary to add some moving picture or dancing text to help me understand how I am getting taken to the cleaners. I have gone from printing out a sheet that I manually transcribed to a government form to the luxurious ability to send my blips and bleeps across the Internet. And each year that little package has flawlessly performed, that is, until now. I fire up my annual delve into the annals of government paperwork and find that none of my dependents appear on my imported data. No matter how hard I try I cannot get the correct data on my screen. I embarrasingly succomb to the "Support - Contact Us" screen to learn that a phone call to fix an obvious software problem will cost me no less than $9.95. Huh? I just paid these guys over fifty bucks and now I pay them again? Wait, they have a chat function. Why ain't that clever? I fired it up and proceeded to wait for a response after telling them my heritage and any other random fact that might help them sell me more. After waiting forever Gloria gladly types out a hello to which I respond hello. But wait. This text seems awfully "machined". So I figure I am talking to some "bot" thing that thinks the machine is smarter than the Southern boy. It is much later that I realize I am talking to one of them exported American jobs and the machined text and delay is the automatic translator plunging me into misunderstood hades. After about 30 minutes of translated chatter the most I can get is to uninstall and reinstall the software or live with the problem. Now do they really think I would fall for that one? Well, they did accomplish their goal as this unhappy customer disconnected and would hopefully forget this experience before next tax season. It was then that I noticed the "buttons" overlapping each other and remembered I had used some fandangled function that increased the font size based on my screen resolution. Big words, huh? Well once I undid that tangled mess and reduced my fonts such that it requires a magnifying glass to read the screen there sat my list of dependents. Well somebody just ain't compatible, are we? Is it my computer and its software or is it this country Southern boy and some machined translator? Maybe the pain of the taxes will release the frustation, so it is back to work.