Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Happy Doctor And The Bride [Exclusive]

Folks, its been a while since you heard from yours truly. While out romping about a lot has gone on with me, in me, and around the world. So now we gotta find which end of the stick to start whittling. But as my Granddaddy said when we went riding in the truck, take any road because it goes somewhere and eventually you will come out where you know where you are. He always liked riding in our old Jeep. One of my last rides with Granddaddy was one of those rides you thought might be your last too. We went to a place the folks back home call Bald Knob. Now on the day he wanted to go it happened to be raining. We took off cause we did have a metal top to keep our heads dry. Well, we turned the corner just before going up the dirt hill (that’s why its called Bald Knob for you city folks), and it looked like the Tennessee River had left its banks and come out to meet us in the hills. All I could see was flowing red. Well now Granddaddy was laughing so hard I thought he would fall out of his seat. He thought it was funny, but I knew we had them hubs you have to lock before you could use all four wheels to pull up that hill. And I didn’t have time for stopping. We slugged up that hill with Granddaddy bouncing and laughing while I was sweating, but we made it. We got to a spot where I could stop and looked at Granddaddy and he had a big old smile on his face. Now how could you say anything? But, he just looked at me and said “That’ll be the last trip I make with you son.” Wasn’t long after that he moved up with the angels. The cancer eating away at his insides had taken its toll.

Well, look at that. We’ve done wandered down the long path again. Always seem to do that. But here we are. I was noticing in the paper about a week ago where some fellows in the Arkansas woods found a woodpecker declared “extinct” (that means there ain’t any more to be found) sixty years ago. Now how could that be this day and time? Well it said in the paper that this bird liked to hide in the woods and not be around people. You would too if you had watched a bunch of yahoos shoot up all your kin. Folks, its called self preservation. It seems that bird was a whole lot smarter than those fellows thought. He took up a few of his kin and hid in the Arkansas woods. Now are the boys in Arkansas going to pick up where they left off and finish this guy off? I bet if he goes pecking on those trees before daylight they’ll sure give it a whirl. I suggest he go back to that hiding place and give up on us.

Remember that election where the boys up here in Ohio get to vote on taxes again? Well, I guess it is good for the those who will receive but these fellows done gone and voted up some more taxes. I’m just waiting for the next public official to stick out his hand. But since I have to earn a living up here I guess it won’t be my choice but to fill his pockets. I wouldn’t have a problem but I just don’t see people taking responsibility and owning up to what they’re doing. The administration down at the local school board looks like a rich man’s job program to me. And the boys down at city hall are still grinning and ducking. I keep telling these boys that when you line those pockets they aren’t learning anything except how to ask for more. I am beginning to think we should all get one of them highfalutin jobs. How did that old commercial go? “You deserve a break today” Just don’t break it off in me.

Yesterday the old doctor got to have another round with my insides. Before it was over with he took two or three rounds going down to see what was happening. They are still trying to decide if I should go see Dr. Hacknsaw. I got some kind of transmitting probe put in my gullet. But they had to root me out and find the perfect spot first kind of like a cat finds its sleeping spot. I think I’ll spare you the details. At least the five trips were down the top side and not up the bottom side. By the time they were finished (and lost the first probe in me) they got one of the probes to stick inside. You really don’t want to know how they get it to stick. That little guy is taking down information and sending it out to this box hanging on my belt. The miracles of science. But, thank God, in the end (you like that?) the information will come from the box and the probe will pass along the endless path that most other things take down the gullet. And no, I ain’t getting it back for them either.

Finally I’ve been giving some thought to that runaway bride y’all been hearing about down in Georgia. It seems her cold feet took her all the way to Arizona with a little side trip to Las Vegas. Now I’m not sure what she was running from, but it sure must’ve bit hard. Anyway, some of her friends thought she couldn't take the wedding pressure. What pressure? You’ve got to be kidding! Yes, she had something like 14 girls and 14 guys to stand up there with her and 600 people to watch. Somebody said a hitching like that cost no less than $100,000. Now how could that be worrisome? Let me tell you what worrisome is (most of you already know except the politicians). Worrisome is when the boss calls you up and tells you that your job took a trip down to Mexico and ain’t coming back. A lot of folks back home heard this declaration several years ago, but I see it spreading like a fever. If it ain’t at your workplace hang on. It’s coming. Worrisome is trying to figure out where you are going to get the money to pay that house payment till you find another job. Worrisome is trying to figure out which vehicle you going to keep and which is going back to the bank. A $100,000 hoedown just to get hitched. Folks, I wish somebody could tell me how you can afford that kind of shindig and then declare yourself scared enough to put an entire county through the wringer (for you city folks a wringer was an attachment on the washing machine that wrung the water out of your clothes. Oh, wrung means squeezed. When are you boys going to learn how to talk?). I just hope some head doctor can figure this runaway bride out. If that money is just causing her britches to itch too much she is sure welcome to unload it on me. I need some extra scratch.

Well folks, I’ve got to scratch my way out of here. It’s time to go see what the wife has cooking. I want to give that probe something to squawk about. You folks take care and if you’re ever up in Northern Ohio drop by and say hey to this misplaced Alabamian.